10 SECONDS AT A TIME

I started watching the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and so far I like it. It’s my brand of corny, smart and funny. Despite how the material is handled what interested me most was the idea. How would you look at life if you’d spent the majority of it held captive? How do you cope.

Kimmy said the way she got through the worst of it was to take it 10 seconds at a time. You can survive anything for 10 seconds and at the end you just start over and it’s only 10 more seconds.

I really liked this idea. It’s kind of true..You can survive most things in 10 second intervals and it’s the perfect chunk of time for most unpleasant things..Shots, pulling teeth, red lights, ect…

I have a feeling today is going to be a day where I have to take it 10 seconds at a time and just hope for the best. I’m not happy today. Some days are just like that. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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Not Buried but Planted

I can’t remember where I heard this line but I love it.

Sometimes, often really, life feels so heavy. All the weights keep getting heaped on your head. Responsibilities. You are no longer a child and you have to be the one to face the dragons, slay them and somehow always be ready to do it again. Over and over. Every day until your last.

WOW.

Every now and then in the middle of a particularly hard week or month I stop and think…It’s only me. Why do other people seem to have easy going lives and things work out for them but the weird and horrible always find me. And yes, sometimes this is an exaggeration caused by fatigue, but in all honest weird things ready do seem to be attracted to me..others have told me so.

In those moments of unease I imagine myself and a seed..Not buried but Planted..In fertile earth, each situation providing nourishment to help me one day reach highs I’ve never dared dream of. And each situation is not solid..it crumbles…it can’t and wont keep me beneath it forever. Somehow at the end of it all- I’ll stand at the top of the mound and remember that even though the journey wasn’t easy.. It was mine. No one elses. And as I grew I’ll smile and look back grateful for it all.

Today may find you in the mist of a struggle. But remember, you too are a seed. You aren’t being buried to be forgotten so don’t stay down longer than you must.

You’re always so positive

I heard it again recently. “Always so positive.”

Its almost like an insult. We love to complain and we find comfort in other people who also complain. Something about misery loving company.

When someones asks me about my day. I avoid the

“Fine.” “Ok” “At least its over.” answers. Those are easy and even on days when I might feel a little like that I chose to say “I’m fantastic!” “My day was wonderful!” “It was beautiful.”

Even in my darkest moments I feel like if I choose to say these things I can make them true. Every day is beautiful and wonderful and a blessing that I should show gratitude for. I’m alive and I’m in good health and I’m surrounded by opportunity, experience and options.

I say, “Even my bad days are good days. There are people who would kill to have what I consider a bad day.”

I think I’ve written about this before and I likely will again. I fight for my positive little point of view and I won’t turn to darkness because it’s easy.

 

Some People Just Want Drama

I’m not one of them but I know people who thrive on the excitement. So much so, in fact, that they cause it whenever possible.

I like when things are calm. When I know what to expect and what is expected of me. When there isn’t so much gray and things make sense.

But I’ll join drama if I must.

The world is very divided right now and it seems we are functioning at odds under the false belief that there are teams, that some people are better and more deserving of respect than others. This is a drama I have great difficulty tolerating.

We are not separate.

We are one.

We are all deserving of respect and love and consideration.

The biggest lie you will ever be fed is that we are not connected. The established order likes that we put ourselves in little boxes, lonely, leaderless and divided. That we fight each other. That we hate so strongly that it blinds us. That we fear so much that we remain silent. It makes for a population that is exceedingly more and more easy to control. They like that we remain distracted by the shining talking screens and the issues contained within our own tiny boxes keeping the bigger picture from view.

Pay attention to what is happening around you, to freedoms that are being taken away, the taxation, the laws and the changes.  You can decide that you too don’t like drama, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t living in it.

Points

Put an analytical edge to decisions making.

For instance..Should I eat healthier?

I feel better when I do= 10 points

I look better and my clothes fit more comfortably= 10 points

Its hard to stay on track and motivated = – 5 points

10+10-5=15..That’s a positive score. There’s the answer.

Sometimes stepping back and taking a look at your decisions through a filter of points can help you come to terms with the realities of the situation, to see things are they are not as you wish they were.

Baby Steps

I know the phrase Rome wasn’t built in a day is a cliche but things become cliche when they ring with truth and withstand opposition over time.

Things, especially good things, require time to mature. Fine wines, friendships, and talents get more and more refined and valuable over time.

In the hustle and bustle of our world we have become very unaccustomed to waiting for anything. Products can be shipped from around the world in days and weeks not months and years, food comes to your door, messages are instant.

We don’t like to have to wait. Yes, it would be nice to skip ahead in the story to the part where things are settled and secure, where the happily every after is in clear view and you know for sure that everything is going to be wonderful.

My goal and challenge lately is to try to enjoy the uncertainty, the waiting. It is never pertinent to rush and indeed it can ruin things that require time to mature. I’m trying to enjoy the process if the story without trying to skip ahead to the end.

What is something that you have a hard time waiting for? What are you giving time to mature?

Something More

I’m going to be honest because that is what I try to do  here. I’m honest in general but the hardest honesty is that internal truth- being realistic with yourself.

I’m not the happiest person, though I have become very adapt at playing the role. I smile and laugh. I’m a picture of positivity. And I like that about myself. That positivity is not an act but a hard fought view point that has taken me years to adopt and that I fight to maintain daily. I want to be a light. I want to chase out darkness. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt because it is easy to condemn and hard to forgive.

My honest truth today is that sometimes I question my worth. I’m forced to, of course, because of the treatment and views of others. Why am I not enough?

This is a question that I’ve struggled with. But the truth is I am. I’m too much! I’m just not what this person wants. I won’t judge my worth based on those who are blinded to it.

If you’re struggle with feeling like you aren’t worthy or good enough keep this in mind also. Other people can’t give you value. They can only attribute a personal value of you; what you are worth to them. This attribute is not your value! You will find people in this world who see you and want you and love you and desire you and your mission is to find the ones that’s value of you aligns with your value of yourself.

I am always quick to say. “I like you…but I love me.” No one is going to love you the way that you can love yourself. So take the time to cultivate that relationship before others. It’s the longest and most important one of your existence.

Tell me what I am

I’m a dreamer..a liar.. a magic bean buyer

I’m a hippie and a gyspy and a sometimes quite tipsy.

I’m a woman and a girl

And artist in a whirl

A writer

A witch

A glimpse…

I am everything

And nothing at all

I’m above.

I’m below.

I’m a heart

And a soul.

I’m a simple mystery.

I’m complicated and self contained.

I’m a rebel.

I’m a remix.

I’m a taste of all that exists.

What do you carry?

We all carry things along with us, both physically and spiritually.

For instance I have a large work purse where I have my lunch box, water bottle, wallet, a notebook, pens, phone charger ect ect…this bag is incredibly heavy as are a lot of the things we carry. But somehow I’m not usually unhappy for it when I reach inside and produce something I want. Its the weight of each individual thing added up that makes the bag heavy.

I think your heart and mind and spirit function in much the same way. Things add up. Some of those things are good- like the food you carry to nourish you when your hungry but other things just add weight to the bag pulling you down, making you hurt as you struggle to carry them along. We must be vigilant about what we carry.

I also carry a crystal- amethyst with clear quartz on the ends. Its like a worry stone of sorts, something to pour my positivity into when I’m feeling up and to pull that positivity back out when I’m feeling sad or worried. I’ve had a few worry stones in my time..coins, rocks, crystals and even loops of string. These things ate light and small and unfortunately often easily lost but for their time they provide a bit of tangible comfort. A consistent part of my day that brings me peace.

Think a bit today about what you carry and why..Is what you bring along with you on your days giving you the most bang for your metaphorical buck?

One real reason I don’t want kids

I’ll start by saying I love kids. I’ve worked with them most of my life and I enjoy their energy and light.

I just don’t want any.

So here’s one reason..they grow up.

Eventually they aren’t cute anymore. They develop minds of their own and suddenly they aren’t just yours.

I guess deep down I’m afraid to raise a woman as weak as me and a man who will grow to think he’s superior to me and disregard everything I say.

I don’t want to subject a human life to the tortures of womanhood and the injustice of femininity.

I don’t want to raise a man that will undoubtedly be just like every other man I know despite my best efforts. I’ve known a few men I can say I would be proud to call son but many more that I absolutely wouldn’t.

Right or wrong that is my experience..from father figures and dating and relatives and co-workers. People, male and female, desire consideration but I have no desire to add to the numbers.

How could I hope to raise a strong woman? A good man? A happy and healthy human?

I guess that’s what I wanted to get off my chest. But when people ask why I don’t have kids I’ll continue to say “Maybe one day, but not today.”

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